I live in New York. I am a comedian, writer and actor. My day job is blogging for VH1.com. I write about the silly things celebrities and pop stars do, so you know...God's work.
You may have seen my writing on many other reputable websites (McSweeney's, The Huffington Post, Hello Giggles, xojane.com, The Hairpin, Splitsider, The FW, etc.). I also write crazy blogs about Game of Thrones, Magneto and Jeff Goldblum.
Life's weird, right?
After 27 years of life, I’ve finally found a sandwich that I get excited about making at home the night before and bringing to work the next day.
—2 freshly sliced loaves of fresh bakery bread
—drizzled with balsamic vinegar
—freshly sliced fresh mozzarella on one slice of bread
—freshly sliced fresh tomato on the other slice of bread
—sprinkle tarragon or other seasoning on both slices
—add two slices of salami
—combine the two sides into BOOM! one sandwich!
—bring it to work the next day with a cup of Chobani yogurt and an apple and SAVE YO LUNCH MONEY!
I would show you a photo of this glorious sandwich but it’s in my stomach. (Also I want to add basil in the future.)
Between the day before Thanksgiving and the day after New Years Day, my entire diet strategy changes. It goes from “everything in healthy moderation” to “Jesus take the wheel!”
The problem with this change in strategy is that this is the time of year when Jesus is Baby Jesus. Babies can’t drive. Babies can’t see over steering wheels. Baby Jesus is going to crash.
Basically, what I’m saying is I will be gaining five to fifteen pounds before the New Year starts because someone named me put a baby in charge of everything.