This security guard is trying to figure out when his life became a Nicolas Sparks film adaptation. In a couple of seconds he’s going to remember Ryan Gosling—not Michael Sheen—was in The Notebook. Then he’s going to wonder if it’s worth following Ryan Gosling’s new twitter or not. Then he’ll muse on how Michael Sheen used to be Kate Beckinsale’s weird, British character actor baby-daddy. He’s going to remember he saw a picture of Kate Beckinsale with platinum blonde hair recently. The security guard will wince in embarrassment at Kate’s feeble attempt to stay relevant in the wake of her ex’s monumental career success. But wasn’t Cold Comfort Farm really good? Ian McKellan was a hoot in that. And back to Rachel McAdams…she was great in Mean Girls. He’ll think of Glen Coco ever so briefly and wonder when the Glen Coco story will come to light.
By then, he’ll be in the bathroom—slumped in a stall and sure he is alone—eating his lunch in solitude like a beleaguered Cady Heron. The security guard will start to cry in the toilet at his inner shame of having to give civilians full body scans. He’ll look back on his life, as he always has, and regret not applying to journalism school. So he didn’t have the grades; he had the heart. He should have become the classy person’s answer to Perez Hilton. Now, he just stares at x-rays of middle aged ladies’s private parts all day. Sure, it’s for freedom, but is he free?
You go, Glen Coco. You go.