I live in New York. I am a comedian, writer and actor. My day job is blogging for VH1.com. I write about the silly things celebrities and pop stars do, so you know...God's work.
You may have seen my writing on many other reputable websites (McSweeney's, The Huffington Post, Hello Giggles, xojane.com, The Hairpin, Splitsider, The FW, etc.). I also write crazy blogs about Game of Thrones, Magneto and Jeff Goldblum.
Life's weird, right?
When I was about 10 years old, I saw something on television that made me suddenly terrified to leave the house for fear of being shot to death.
I tried to fall asleep, but all I could think of was that if I ever left the house again someone could shoot me, someone could stab me, someone could strangle me, a bear could eat me, I could be hit by a car, a bomb could go off, a flash flood could drown me, all of Stephen King’s monsters could be real and zombies could rise. Basically, I was paranoid that if I ever left the house again, doom would occur.
So, naturally, I panicked and went to my mom’s room and told her that I could never leave the house again. My life was in danger, after all. Surely, she would understand.
She nodded and said, “Oh yes, but you know, even if you stay at home, a thief could break in and shoot and kill you or there could be a fire or the roof could collapse or you could trip down the stairs and hit your head or you could die of malnourishment or get sick and never get it treated or a nuclear bomb could go off and you’d be toast anyway.”
Now death and danger was everywhere. My panic intensified. “What am I supposed to do?” I cried.
My mother said simply, “Well, you can’t ever predict how and when you’re going to die. Something bad could always go wrong. I mean, look at your father. He was perfectly healthy and then he dropped dead of a brain aneurysm.”
I now had my own brain and body to fear. Great.
My mother continued, “You just have to live your life. You can’t be afraid of everything. You’ve got be as careful and aware at all times for your own safety, but that’s all you can really do. You can’t possibly predict and prepare for everything—that’s impossible. And if you do ever find yourself in a pickle, just remember to breathe, so that you can think your way out of it.
"You’ve just got to live. You’ve got to leave the house and live. If you spend all the time terrified of the bad things hurting and killing you, you’re not going to enjoy anything good about your life. You’ve just got to live.”