I live in New York. I am a comedian, writer and actor. My day job is blogging for VH1.com. I write about the silly things celebrities and pop stars do, so you know...God's work.
You may have seen my writing on many other reputable websites (McSweeney's, The Huffington Post, Hello Giggles, xojane.com, The Hairpin, Splitsider, The FW, etc.). I also write crazy blogs about Game of Thrones, Magneto and Jeff Goldblum.
Life's weird, right?
Are you a Biebercorn or Virgaga?
Biebercorn – (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) All hail you! You are a hard-working, plucky and ultimately unstoppable individual. Just remember that when two unstoppable forces collide, it’s really ugly. As you will be when age finally catches up with you. Advice from the Heavens: You can’t outrun destiny so you may as well look into advanced plastic surgery options.
Annehathawarius – (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Cool, calm, and charming, you are the royalty of the zodiac. Your inner beauty shines out and everyone loves you for it. However, when everyone loves you, it’s impossible to love anyone else. Advice from the Heavens: Don’t ever let your icy exterior melt away, or else you’ll realize how shitty everyone else is compared to you.
Ke$hes – (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) If life is a party, you are its trashy party crasher. You probably already heard this from your mom, but you were never supposed to be born. You’ll be attracted to the scum of society because it is only there that your inner beauty truly shines. Advice from the Heavens: You’re going to want to wash your underwear pretty soon.
Mariahcaries – (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) Bubbly and effervescent you often make the mistake of thinking people are laughing with you, when in fact they are laughing at you. It doesn’t matter though, because as long as you are happy you don’t really care about the reason why. Advice from the Heavens: Happiness can only be appreciated alongside sadness, so try watching Schindler’s List sometime. It’ll make your fantasy world all the more fantastic.
Timbertaurus – (Apr. 20 – May 20) You have an insatiable desire to be the best at everything. Unfortunately, this means that you take some of your talents for granted. Like, singing. You used to be super great at singing. What happened to singing? Advice from the Heavens: If you bite off more than you can chew you will eventually choke, so make sure someone around you knows the Heimlich.
Gemimiley – (May 21-June 20) You inhabit two worlds. Maybe you think you have the best of both of them, but this duality causes friction with the opposite sex. They only see the maturity in your slamming body, but will only see naivety within. Advice from the Heavens: Beauty always fades, so look into a career training program at DeVry Tech or another reputable school.
Kanyecer – (June 21-July 22) You are a revolutionary. However, while others may think your innovation comes from ego, we both know it comes from an insane desire to be loved by your dad. Your only coping mechanism is accomplish stuff, but it’s a hollow life. Advice from the Heavens: No star sign should have all that power. Try something more humble, like pottery.
Leodicapreo – (July 23-Aug. 22)You’re sort of a big deal and always have been and always will be. You claim not to enjoy all the attention your exploits attract, but if it wasn’t for all the admiration you would discover there’s absolutely nothing within. Advice from the Heavens: Be thankful for all you have because it’s not like you deserve it or anything.
Virgaga – (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) A true enigma—you appear to reveal all of yourself to the world, but what you really have done is create a shell to hide your inner self. Creative and exacting you obsess over bringing beauty to the world, but you are haunted by the fact that the fugliest thing in it is yourself. Advice from the Heavens: Remember that people don’t love art because it’s beautiful, but because it costs a lot of money.
Joliebra – (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You are sensual yet caring, intelligent yet passionately out of control. You straddle every line in life completely, but that means you never quite fit in. People love and hate you for it, but you have a way to deal with it: being better than everyone else. Advice from the Heavens: Feed the children of the world, if you must, but remember to nourish yourself.
Spearspio – (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Everyone’s his or her own worst enemy, but you enjoy the fight. And luckily you are so engaging and seductive, we enjoy watching it, too! Advice from the Heavens: Beat the crap out of yourself as much as you want so long as you underscore it with a good dance beat.
Swiftittarius – (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You are a truly passionate individual, but what’s seething underneath isn’t lust, but love. You’re like a volcano, if volcanoes erupted moonbeams and unicorn song. Advice from the Heavens: If you continue to vomit your emotions out, there will be no more love left within to nourish you.
Please note there is some debate about the dates these fall on and some astrologers have posited the existence of a 13th sign: Orsonwellesius.
I wrote these on Friday back when it was a thing. It’s quite unpublishable now even if was publishable to begin with. Thanks to Gonzalo for the inspiration!