I live in New York. I am a comedian, writer and actor. My day job is blogging for VH1.com. I write about the silly things celebrities and pop stars do, so you know...God's work.
You may have seen my writing on many other reputable websites (McSweeney's, The Huffington Post, Hello Giggles, xojane.com, The Hairpin, Splitsider, The FW, etc.). I also write crazy blogs about Game of Thrones, Magneto and Jeff Goldblum.
Life's weird, right?
Hey, so maybe two of you remember that I wrote an article for The Apiary a month and a half ago where I gave a list of men I would have preferred had received People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” honor over Ryan Reynolds. Well, I’ve been thinking it over, and I would like to retract that.
I need to apologize to Mr. Reynolds…so here it goes..
Dear Ryan Reynolds,
Now that it’s official that you and Scarlett Johansson are divorcing, I would like to formally retract my negative comments about you being named People’s Sexiest Man Alive.
You see, I wrote those things very quickly and without much background research. I wrote that completely unaware that the most beautiful example of the female sex would be soon dumping you. Had I known that you would be licking the emotional wounds of heartbreak—completely ready for a random, reasonably attractive young woman like myself to swoop in and boost your self-esteem again—I would have considered your “sexiness” on a completely different scale. The scale of “potentially obtainable if I roofie him.”
I also forgot that you and I have a lot in common.For instance, you like doing comic book movies and I like reading comic books. You’ve fallen in love in a movie with Isla Fisher and I like pretending I look like Isla Fisher. You like taking your shirt off and I like it when you take more than just your shirt off. The spiritual connection between us is so deep I’m frightened. And there’s nothing sexier than being frightened.
I’ve even studied your People Magazine cover shot a bit more closely and I’ve noticed a few things. One: You are really attractive. Like, seriously. Two: Judging by the size of your biceps you seem to be coming off of your jacked up Green Lantern fitness regime and are currently inhabiting the physical limbo between crazy muscles and total leanness. In short, the physical limbo in which a man’s frame is most sexually attractive to me. Three: There seems to be a bulge in your pants. It’s a bulge that says, “Meghan, I’m single now and there’s a bulge in my pants you didn’t notice before.” Four: There’s totally a bulge in your pants.
So, in conclusion, I, Meghan O’Keefe would like to formally retract my previous opinion about your worthiness to be People’s Sexiest Man Alive. None of the other guys on my list hold a candle to you, Ryan*.
*Except maybe Gary Oldman.