I live in New York. I am a comedian, writer and actor. My day job is blogging for VH1.com. I write about the silly things celebrities and pop stars do, so you know...God's work.
You may have seen my writing on many other reputable websites (McSweeney's, The Huffington Post, Hello Giggles, xojane.com, The Hairpin, Splitsider, The FW, etc.). I also write crazy blogs about Game of Thrones, Magneto and Jeff Goldblum.
Life's weird, right?
Or, “How I learned to stop worrying and start slapping famous comedians on the ass.”
For this year’s New York Comedy Festival, the UCB co-opted Whiplash’s usual spot on Mondays for Joe Mande’s Overton Window and decided to produce two “Best Of” shows on Wednesday and Thursday night. I don’t have reservations for tonight’s show (hosted by Chris Gethard, featuring Mulaney, Jeselnik and unknown famous quantities), but judging by the house last night, I might be able to get in tonight. You don’t care about any of this, though, do you? You don’t even care about Sean Patton, Hannibal Buress, Jim Gaffigan, Jon Glaser or Jesse Popp’s sets. You just want to hear about how I “tapped” Joel McHale’s ass.
Joel McHale was the surprise headliner last night and when he was announced the audience went wild*. Joel came out with furious energy. He skipped across the stage and then stopped in front of me and struck a sassy pose that put his ass squarely in my face. It was like one of those moments in improv where you silently communicate with your scene partner. I gave him a glance of, “Are you sure you want me to slap your ass?” And he nodded, “Yes, you need to slap my ass to make this funny.” I don’t know why but all I could think were two things, “He has a wife. This is gross,” and “How did Joel McHale know how much I like men’s asses?” So, keeping all that in mind, and not wanting to hurt him or be too aggressive (because he seems happily married and I’m not a weirdo), I vibrantly tapped or gently slapped his ass. And then he started his set. It was great. A LOT of E! stuff and jokes about how we were all poor students, which I chaffed at because I’m 25 and have a job, but whatever. Also, he is by far the best dressed man I’ve ever seen at Whiplash. The style was *on point*.
And that was last night’s Whiplash.
Lest any of you think any of this makes me a cool person, allow me to reassure you of the opposite. It was raining this morning. So, after I picked up my morning bagel at my favorite cafe, I decided to dodge into 30 Rock so I could walk in the Concourse to get to my office building. I’m wearing a brand new pair of shoes today. That means I haven’t broken them in yet and the soles are not yet scuffed enough to provide good traction. I slipped, wiped out and ate it on the smooth polished floor of 30 Rock. Everyone in the lobby saw because as I fell backwards, I screamed. Yup. Still got it.
*I didn’t go that wild. I kind of knew the surprise because someone connected with the show had hinted it at a party on Saturday. I realize that’s vague, but whatever. Also, I have no idea who the surprise guests are supposed to be tonight. If I had to guess, I would say someone like Louis CK, Todd Barry, Reggie Watts or Aziz Ansari