July 2012
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“I should like a great lake of beer for the King of Kings.
I should like the...”
– St. Brigid’s Prayer
So, like, I don’t go to Church anymore or anything, but I do pray to St. Brigid from time to time.
She is patron saint of:
babies; blacksmiths; boatmen; cattle; chicken farmers; children whose parents are not married; children with abusive fathers; children born...
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Oh, so it looks like tonight's Hello Giggles show...
Please come to it. We will find a bar that’s showing the Ladies Gymnastics Team Finals afterwards. Promise.
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WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE TRAINING CENTER
jonbershad:
nicclee:
whatshouldwecallucb:
Basically.
I wish the Training Center had baker selling bread and rolls like always.
I would also be interested in blonde triplets constantly fawning over me.
I would also be interested if I could take any book off the library shelf, because “if [I] like it all that much, it’s [mine].”
Speaking of, I gotta return the...
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My year in books so far:
A Dance With Dragons: I was finally sober enough to finish this bitch. I didn’t like it as much as I liked A Storm of Swords, but I’ll never love any book that doesn’t feature “The Lord’s Kiss” as much as I loved A Storm of Swords.
The Hobbit: Oh, yes. I like you, yes. You are fun. You don’t need to be three movies, though. If you are three movies, the...
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I feel like there was a memo sent out this summer...
Oh well…life continues apace…
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You ain't a tap dancer so stop tapping your feet.
A message to the guy in the cubicle next to me.
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Regarding the Wieber thing...
…YES THE RULES ARE FUCKED.
…YES THE WAY THE PRESS SWOOPED IN IS FUCKED.
GYMNASTICS IS FUCKED.
It’s just…it’s a sport of girls—not women—girls who have sacrificed their childhoods and adolescences to be maybe, if their bodies don’t break from the brittleness, and if their minds don’t falter from the stress, and if the judges are kind, and if...
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WHO IS FRAMING NBC'S SHOTS? THEY NEED AN OSCAR.
To interview Aly Raisman while Jordan Wieber is in the same shot tearing up is ART.
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I love when they zoom in on the Olympians' parents...
…because the “WTF?” looks of the people around them is PRICELESS.
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Texnessa: THERE IS A WOMAN IN THE NBC OLYMPICS... →
megsokay:
It’s the only explanation for the close-up shot on “Anderson’s” wiggling ass in the Men’s Volleyball match.
Also, yesterday, the camera lingered on underwater Ryan Lochte shots—but not any other male swimmer’s.
Lady…you are doing good work. You are making all the right calls on…
I don’t know if I’m happier or sadder knowing it’s a 99% male crew giving us...
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THERE IS A WOMAN IN THE NBC OLYMPICS PRODUCTION...
It’s the only explanation for the close-up shot on “Anderson’s” wiggling ass in the Men’s Volleyball match.
Also, yesterday, the camera lingered on underwater Ryan Lochte shots—but not any other male swimmer’s.
Lady…you are doing good work. You are making all the right calls on camera angles and editing shots. WE SALUTE YOU.
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The things you learn from NBC Olympics
When a woman loses weight, people like to say, “she looks so good!”
When a male volleyball player loses weight, people like to say, “he looks so light on his feet!”
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“You can Google it.”
– Matt is bringing the ‘tude tonight. (via buildingaladder)
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Emily Heller: Big Week! →
emilyheller:
Hi, everyone! Montreal has been very fun so far. Here are some fun links: a review in Rover of the guest set I did for Anthony Jeselnik, and a write-up in the Comic’s Comic that identifies me as a highlight of the New Faces showcase.
What a treat, huh?!
For those of you in America, TONIGHT…
Guys. GUYS. Follow Emily. Watch Emily. Worship Emily. She’s great.
lafiebre asked: So, should I spend my working from home summer watching Doctor Who? (I'm not big on long TV series, but you seem to have a good intuition about the things I'll most likely end up adoring!)
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ERMAHGERD ERLIMPICHS
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Past conversations with my mother - 1992
7 year old me: Mom! Mom! Mom! MOM! I know what I want to be when I grow up! I want to be a gymnast in the Olympics!
Mom: Oh. Okay.
7 year old me: Um, yeah, so the lady said--the lady on TV said that I have to train every day at a gym. Where is the gym?
Mom: I think there's one in Lancaster, but Meghan, sweetie...gymnastics is really expensive.
7 year old me: So we can't afford it?
Mom: We can't afford it.
7 year old me: BUT IT'S MY DREAM!!!
Mom: Hey, Meghan, are you sure you really want to be a gymnast?
7 year old me: Yes. I want to be like Shannon Miller. I love her bangs.
Mom: Do you know how tall all those girls are?
7 year old me: Uh...what?
Mom: They're all like 5' foot tall. They are SHORT. You are tall. You are 7 and the same height as some of them and they are teenagers.
7 year old me: Well...I mean...I like being tall.
Mom: Okay, so say you do go to the gym for four-six hours a day for the rest of your life. So, we'd be waking up at 4 am to drive you to--
7 year old me: Ew. What? 4 am?
Mom: Well, you'd need your morning training and it's in Lancaster.
7 year old me: Um..well...uh...
Mom: Okay, so you work out four-six hours a day for the rest of your life. You work out so much that you suppress your hormones and don't get your period on time* and so you're short, built like a boy and never get boobs.
7 year old me: Wait. What are you talking about? I'll never get boobs?
Mom: Sweetie, have you ever heard these gymnasts talk? They're all squeaky voiced. They're little girls forever. It's how they're built and it's because of all the training. But if you still want to be a gymnast, we'll find a way-
7 year old me: NO THANK YOU I WANT BOOBS WHEN I GROW UP.
/and scene.
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Update on Fuck It. The 'Zine I Don't Give a Shit...
It’s happening. I’ve figured out I can bootleg templates from pages well enough to look like a ‘zine, and since this should be as low effort as possible, that’s what I’ll do.
I’m accepting actual submissions. Art, poems, jokes, articles, whatever. No photos.
Email hdthorizzy@gmail.com.
*shrug*
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Future Conversations with my Daughter
Future Daughter: Whoa. Mom. I just saw this movie called She's All That on my iGlasses.
Me: You were supposed to be watching a documentary on heroines in the middle ages. We were supposed to be discussing Eleanor of Aquitaine right now. It's in my iSchedule.
Future Daughter: Whatever. So, before the Civilian Protection Act made it illegal for you to congregate in huge public groups, like schools or churches, um...was high school really like that?
Me: No. First of all, everyone in high school was a schlubby teenager. Not a beautiful 20-something actor.
Future Daughter: Oh. Okay. Did you ever go to Prom?
Me: I went to Junior Prom.
Future Daughter: Did you all have a big dance number to Slimboy Fat?
Me: To Fatboy Slim? No. We didn't have the organization or athletic co-ordination. We were real people.
Future Daughter: What about your Senior Prom?
Me: I skipped Senior Prom to see Star Wars in the movie theater.
Future Daughter: What's Star Wars?
Me: It's...It's...a really great sci-fi fantasy epic trilogy and then three other terrible prequels to that should never have been made. It's banned now. Because it preaches active resistance.
Future Daughter: Oh. The one thing I didn't get in She's All That...why does taking off her glasses suddenly make her prettier?
Me: No one knows, child. No one knows.
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Charm Offensive at The Sleepy Time Comedy Hour!
charmoffensivecomedy:
We’ll be performing at The Sleepy Time Comedy Hour this Wednesday night, 7/25, 11pm at the Triple Crown. Come on out!
This is my sketch team! Come see us! It will be funny!
“The church doesn’t say that the ordination of women is not possible because...”
– Bishop Blair Explains Vatican’s Criticism Of U.S. Nuns (via nprfreshair)
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
(via hallekiefer)
Mary Magdalen is judging yoo. lol. 